5 tips to avoid arguments

Arguments are a part of life. Don’t think there is anyone who can say that they have never had arguments with anyone. In fact, they are an important part of social conversations, for years, enabling people to exchange views, perspectives and opinions. One can argue (pun intended!) that to argue about one’s point of view is integral to one’s life as a human being.

In the 21st century however, with the pervasive advent of technology and widespread availability of data and knowledge via internet, the immediacy of communication and the anonymity of online interactions have intensified the frequency and intensity of arguments. Our arguments today are lot more vehement, aggressive, and devoid of patience and intolerance. They are less about understanding the other perspectives and gaining deeper insights but more about proving one’s own point. As a result, arguments lead to unpleasantness, disharmony and stress taking a toll on people’s relationships.

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Frequent or unresolved arguments in relationships can lead to chronic stress, heightened emotional distress, and strain on mental health. According to research conducted by the American Psychological Association, relationship conflict is often cited as one of the top sources of stress in people's lives. Additionally, a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that ongoing marital conflicts can contribute to symptoms of depression, anxiety, and reduced life satisfaction.

So how do you know when to avoid arguments and protect your mental peace? What can you do to ensure that your arguments are productive, meaningful, respectful like a conversation between 2 mature adults?

Here are 5 aspects to think about before your next argument:

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1. The WHAT: What are you arguing about? Life is a series of battles, but not all of them are worth fighting for. In other words, choose your battles wisely. Not every disagreement is worth arguing about. Just because there is a disagreement with your partner or in family, doesn’t mean that it needs to be argue about. In reality, most of the arguments we have in daily life are unnecessary can be avoided totally. So next time you are in an arguing situation, ask yourself:

• Is it worth your energy & time?
• Is it more important than your peace of mind?
• Are you ready for the impact of this argument in your relationship?

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2. The WHO: There are some people who are just not worth arguing with. These are the people who are always right, no matter what. They'll never see your point of view, and they'll never admit that they're wrong. Arguing with them is just a waste of time and energy. You should NEVER argue with:

People who are emotionally immature or unstable: Ask yourself “is this person emotionally mature enough to grasp the concept of a different perspective? If not, there is no point in arguing. Those who are perfectionists: Perfectionists are very sensitive to criticism, and they may take any disagreement as a personal attack. As a result, arguing with perfectionists can be very difficult and frustrating. You may feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells, and you may be afraid of saying the wrong thing. This can be damaging for your peace and mental wellbeing.

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3. The HOW: Harmony beats dissonance any day! Arguments need to be mature, rational and most importantly respectful. It needs to have a purpose and not one-upmanship. Disagreement ‘CANNOT’ mean disrespect. If your partner, spouse or the ‘arguer’ displays any of these traits, it is a warning signal for you to stay far away from that brewing argument:

• Screaming, shouting: Some people use their vocal chords to argue to drown out the other person’s voice. Remember news channel debates…you get my point!
• Aggression: Such people are quick to anger, and may use verbal or physical abuse to get their way. They are not interested in having a productive conversation but just want to win the argument, no matter what. As a result, arguing with them can escalate the situation and most likely unproductive.
• Frequent emotional outbursts: Such people are often struggling with emotions, such as anger, sadness, anxiety ore resentment. When they are triggered, they may either lash out verbally or physically or start crying on the other hand. Arguing with someone who is having an emotional outburst make it difficult to have a rational argument.

4. The WHERE: A place where both parties feel comfortable When you're arguing in a private place, you're less likely to be interrupted or to feel self-conscious. This can help you to focus on the argument and to be more productive. Here are some other places where it's not worth arguing:

In public: Whether it is your spouse, parents or your boss. Arguing in public is embarrassing and not fair to the people around you who have to listen to you. Even if you win the argument then, you would dent the relationship for years to come. In front of children: This is an absolute NO! Children learn by watching the adults in their lives, so if you argue in front of them, they're likely to learn that arguing is a normal way to solve problems. This way you are not only disturbing your peace of mind but also scarring the children for life!

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5. The WHEN: Argue when both parties are calm and collected. It is important to be calm, composed and in a state of mind to ‘listen’ to the other person in order to have a fruitful argument. Do not argue if the below is true for you or the other person: ‍

• ‍You are angry, agitated: If you're feeling angry or upset, take a few deep breaths before you start talking. If you're feeling overwhelmed or unable to control your emotions, it's okay to walk away from the argument.
• ‍You are hungry or tired: At such times, you’re more likely to be irritable and less likely to be able to see things from other person’s perspective
• ‍You are drunk or high: Being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you’re more likely to say things you don't mean and will act impulsively. You will definitely regret later if you argue in this state.

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These 5 tips will act as your playbook to decide which arguments to avoid. They will help you navigate those ‘delicate’ conversations with family or loved ones which can potentially turn into disastrous arguments for both you and them. Most importantly, they will inform you when you are not ready for a productive conversation.

Happy arguing!