Confidence, the silent orchestrator: Part 2

Is confidence something one is born with? Who is responsible for it? Is it a dynamic or static trait? Can a person of low confidence turn into supreme confidence? How to build and sustain confidence as one goes through life’s inherent struggles?

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Let’s get started.

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In the 1st part of this post, we asserted on how confidence is one of the most important ingredients for success in life, personally and professionally and how a large majority of people today lack it. We mentioned about how skill and talent are essential too, but they pale in comparison to the role confidence plays in life.

In this concluding post, we will explore key questions around confidence. Let’s start.

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Are people born confident?

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While it may seem that some children were always more outgoing than others, confidence is not a trait that people are born with; rather, it is something that evolves and grows gradually grow through life. While genetics may slightly influence a person’s predisposition to confidence, it is primarily shaped by life experiences, our upbringing, social interactions, and personal choices. This may mean that confident and self-assured parents are more likely to raise confident children with high self-reliance and assurance and vice versa.

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If we are not born confident, how do we acquire confidence? How do we lose it?

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Factors behind our confidence

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There could be many reasons which contribute to our confidence levels but, for simplicity, 3 main factors play a big role:

Our past

There is no argument on how our past shapes our present. What we are today is a sum total of all our past experiences, our upbringing, the environment at home and in school/college and more. Our life is a complex tapestry of multiple factors which play an indelible role in our growing up years when our personality and behavioral attributes get shaped.

In fact, our upbringing, our family atmosphere our school/college gang is the single most important factor in our confidence levels. Some commonly encounters that shape us deeply:

• Strict, unappreciative or highly overprotective parents
• A tough teacher who is overly critical of small mistakes
• Getting bullied in school~ Being body shamed for one’s appearance or looks
• Being constantly compared with other children on grades/look/talent
• Lack of recognition for one’s talent, skill or performance

Negative feedback or traumatic events haunt us for long, creating an emotional roadblock to confidence in later years, a memory which subconsciously blocks our confidence to bloom forth.

Our past is like a canvas of experiences from which we paint our self-belief.

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The environment

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Our present circumstances, the country/society, family, work or health situation may be causing us stress, impacting our thoughts, our attitudes much more than we realize. The friends or colleagues we spend time with, the news we read, the stuff we watch on our smart phone influence our mental chatter, our internal talk.

An example, though slightly extreme, is the way our social fabric has gotten changed post the Covid-19 pandemic. As a society, we are more insecure, impatient, anxious and underconfident than ever before.

Add to this: Two raging wars, layoffs, economic challenges, the constant comparisons facilitated by social media play havoc with our minds and we have the perfect receipe to lose one’s mind with persistent feelings of self-doubt and poor self-worth.

We could be living in one of the most spiritually desolate times ever for humanity.

Good news!

It may seem unfair at having to struggle with low confidence on account of our past or our present environment, both factors we have no control on.

However, there is good news!

Confidence is an acquired trait. You can always cultivate it, nurture it and polish it.

Confidence is dynamic, meaning it can change over time. It can be cultivated and strengthened through positive experiences, learning, and personal development. It can also get eroded by setbacks, failures, negative feedback, or self-doubt.

No matter what negative experiences you had while growing up or how tough, unfriendly or disharmonious your current living environment may be, what matters is what you do from this point on, your current mindset and attitude.

You may have been the most under confident person on earth till now…it can all change.

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Limitless possibilities

Psychologists say that our perception of the future holds the key to our happiness and confidence. The future is a realm where our hopes, dreams, and aspirations take form, and the uncertainty it holds can either bolster or erode our self-belief, our confidence.

What it means is that, if you are hopeful of your future, of achieving your goals, dreams and the life you aspire for, you will feel bright, have a spring in your step and feel alive. On the other hand, the fear of failure or falling short of expectations, ours or others, cripples our abilities, confidence and sucks away all the vitality from our lives.

So how do we build confidence, belief and self-worth? How do nurture a mindset helps us grow and thrive even when the chips are down?

Confidence is a set of beliefs or a mindset that we have about ourselves irrespective of our external situation. It is predominantly self-driven.

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Putting into practice

Our confidence finds expression in our daily life through our internal dialogue (what we tell ourselves) and our external interactions (how we appear to others).

The fallacy of our times is that most of us go to lengths to ‘look’ confident to others only to feel exhausted at the end of the day when the facade is down whereas the core of our confidence is inside. The inner conversation we have with ourselves - what we tell ourselves consciously (and not our mental chatter), throughout the day.

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Building confidence involves 3 basic steps to be practiced, daily (yes, daily!):‍

1. Observe: This means becoming aware of your own habit patterns of thinking, negative self-dialogue that has been acting as a lid on your confidence to grow and bloom. Pay attention to the thoughts and beliefs that have been holding you back for long. E.g., Self-criticism, self-doubt, or limiting beliefs. Recognize when and in what situations these thoughts tend to arise. This may be difficult to begin with and would need certain practice to achieve. Some suggestions

• Spend time with yourself daily. 15-20 minutes by yourself. Preferably in natural surroundings or in the quite of your room. Silent your mobile phone and turn it screen facing down. Become aware of your thoughts, situations you struggled in during the day and what kind of thoughts arose in those situations. Do this every day.
• Ask those you trust. Friends/family who have known you for long, whom you trust and who will offer you feedback (without judgement) on your attitude, your approach to situations and your reactions.
• Talk to a counselor. Often times, it is difficult to observe/understand our habit patterns. That is where an expert counselor (like a counseling psychologist) can help. Counselors are adept at unraveling our habit patterns especially the unconscious ones arising from our past and present circumstances. They will help you to discover things about yourself that you would not have even noticed.

2. Change/reframe: Once you discover your habit pattern of thinking, negative self-dialogue, challenge these thoughts and beliefs. Ask yourself whether they are based on facts or are distorted by fear, past experiences, or self-criticism. Reframe them into more realistic and positive statements. E.g. Change "I'm not good enough" to "I am capable, I will do my best."

This again is not easy as it takes efforts to change and reframe your mindset, your long-held, deep seated beliefs and prejudices. Some suggestions on what will help:

• Read books. Good books. We would (strongly!) recommend autobiographies of leaders, sportspersons and the likes who overcame great odds (past experiences or present circumstances) and changed their destiny. P.S. Reading self-help books do not help. Generally.
• Your mentor/coach/counselor. Having a coach or a guide can be a tremendous boost to one’s confidence. A coach equips you with ways and techniques to reframe your negative inner voice. In fact, they play a pivotal role to help you navigate the maze of your thinking patterns which are holding you back and replace them with the right mindset.

3. Affirm: This means to tell yourself, regularly, that you are worthy, that you can ‘do it’, that you are the strongest. Affirming means to internalize and train your mind to deeply believe in the idea. It could be anything - that you can become happy, that you can aspire and achieve your goals and dreams, that you can change your life and your family’s destiny.

When you do this, it tells your mind to focus on and emphasize your strengths, abilities, and self-worth. This helps reinforce a more positive self-dialogue and gradually builds your confidence.

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Conclusion

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Life is tough. For everyone.

In addition, there is no dearth of negative influences around us which belittle our dignity, destroy our self-worth and confidence. The onus of nurturing, nourishing our confidence lies with only one person: You.

The key to achieving this is our mind. Our mind is extremely flexible and malleable which means it can be trained and made to change its old ways of thinking and shape a new attitude, a fresh mindset.

This requires training and practice. Consider this as the training for your mind to maintain our ‘health’: our mindset.

Why? Because in the long run, only your mindset will decide your success or defeat, your happiness or sorrow.